Ana's Worst Nightmare

Massive family dinner, all sat round a huge table having a beautiful meal that my mum and step-dad slaved over. Everyone is happy and having a wonderful time, and I look like I'm loving it just as much as them. BUT I'm far from loving it.
Huge family meals are one of my worst nightmares as a recovering anorexic. You feel like there is so much pressure on you to eat as much as everyone else, and it's so difficult to deal with.

So how do you deal with it?!

1) eat only as much as you feel comfortable eating. Do not feel obliged to eat until you feel like you'll burst. Your family will understand.
2) try your best not to focus on the food, but focus on the people around you.
- Join in as much conversation is possible, and without knowing or realising so you will eat a little more when you aren't thinking so much about it.
3) Do not watch how much others are eating.
4) Dish out your own food: it keeps you in control and means that only the amount you want to eat will be on your plate and you will feel easier about eating it.
5) if you need to, take a break. Excuse yourself and go into another room for 5 minutes to compose yourself before going back in.
And finally 6) try to enjoy the time with the people and it may keep your concentration off your food!

It was harder than any non-anorexic can imagine being in that situation, but I made it through most of the meal.

(I fell ill from other reasons that stem from my long time as an anorexic and so had to go and lie down)

I love my family to death and I'm so glad that they support me as much as they can.

What we Ana's have to understand is that people find it very difficult to understand why we put ourselves, our bodies through so much just to look a certain way.
And while I was anorexic I thought I was acting normal cause I didn't know I had an eating disorder, I refused to accept that anything was wrong with me.

Looking back on everything I did I see exactly what I did to myself, my body, my family and friends. It was a life of self-torture for no actual reason but all in my mind, and all for control to look a certain way.

What you have to see is that it's a difficult thing to admit to, but once you have admitted there is an issue, then you can begin recovery the right way, not the way I did it, which I will share with you over time.

That's it for now folks,
Peace. X

Chapter 1: A Little Shocker

So, definition of Anorexia Nervosa: 

IT DOESN'T HAVE ONE. 

It is more like a recipe of a whole lot of things all thrown in a mixer, a bunch of stuff you don't at first think would come from just an eating disorder. Here is just a little list:

- Controlling personality
- Obsessive traits
- Depression
- Weakness of the immune system
- Headaches
- Tiredness
- Muscle weakness
- Kidney damage
- Convulsions
- Osteoporosis
- Rotted teeth
- Swollen hands, feet, face.
- Downy hair.
- Head hair 
- Dry rough skin.

And trust me, that isn't all of it. Think twice before you intentionally begin to become anorexic. Its not something I would wish on any single person, and there are a couple of people I really do wish horrible things on. 

The thing you have to understand is that Ana is a relentless, disgusting, addictive, vile creature. 

IT IS BRUTAL. IT IS SOUL DESTROYING. IT IS LIFE CRUSHING. IT IS DEATH'S BROTHER.

If you are reading this as a by stander watching someone do this to themselves, or you are recovering yourself just think about it all. There is no way you are reading this if you are anorexic at the present time without being in recovery, wether at the beginning or in the VERY latter stages like myself. 

By the way, I meant to say if you are reading this and want to ask me anything feel free to do so, I'm okay to talk about it now:

lauren.mckirdy@hotmail.co.uk

Laters peeps.

First Showing

So I said I love poetry and write my own, here is one I've written:

UNDERSTAND ME

You can fill her with colour and cover her in clothes,

You can stuff her with food and wait till she shows.

You can weep and cry, but her mind is elsewhere,

You can kick and scream and she won’t seem to care.

You can make her feel guilt and make her feel pain,

You can make her feel sorrow and strike her again.

But you will never endure the same pain as she,

Nor the guilt, nor the sorrow, or the longing of glee.

You can clothe her, bathe her, drown her in paint,

Bring colour from make-up, but still she will faint.

Her hair may now shine, and her face may now glow,

But her heart is still broken, will forever run slow.

Her soul is fallen, and her mind is defeated,

Her face still sallow, and her body not heated.

But she still wants you to hold her hand,

And never leave her to her own quick sand.

She’s still slowly sinking, still drowning in shame,

At the pain she causes and the unwanted fame.

So hold onto hope and don’t ever give in,

Someday she’ll be back, be your child again. 

As you can probably guess its about 'Ana'. 

Its more a poem to a someone who knows someone with Ana and is struggling to understand what they are going through. It helped my family understand a little so hopefully it can help someone else understand it a little more. 

Laters guys.

Little Old Me

Hi there,

So this is my first ever blog, here goes.

I'm a 20 year old girl trying to fight her way through life. I am the same as any other girl my age, traveling through life but my road has a few twists and turns and bumps. I love photography, art, fashion, poetry and creating little bits and pieces out of stuff you would normally throw out, bit of DIY. 

- I used to play ice hockey, it was my absolute passion, till an injury stopped me playing for life. 
- I LOVE art and possibly my favourite is etching. I miss that. 
- I write my own poems as a sort of story, putting things on paper seems to make it more real and easier to understand and put into perspective, I may even put some on here. 
- I am aiming to become a PhD in marine mammal research, in the Antarctic primarily but anywhere in the world would still be amazing. 

One hitch in my life: ANA.
I have been struggling with anorexia nervosa for over a decade and I'm still fighting. As I hate the title of the eating disorder I call it 'Ana'. I was only able to put a title to my issue after a year of therapy 8 years after the beginning of the disorder, but now I use Ana without a problem. 

This blog will hopefully help some other girls struggling with eating disorders, or possible make someone realise they have difficulty with their body form and eating habits!